pity party for one

Many nights i lie in bed and i dream of cutting up my old clothes and turning it into something wearable and fun and new! I buy second-hand clothing that’s too big for me, with plans to get it tailored, but i never do. We are half way through 2012 and to reflect on what has passed, i have mixed feelings about the year so far. I have one shelf in my cupboard dedicated to unworn clothes that need to be taken in, made shorter or have new buttons sewn onto it. I have only read one book this year. Last year i read 20. To count, I’ve thrown 2 crazy, self-loathing tantrums this year, with bouts of loneliness and happiness knocking against each other like helium balloons tied to a fence post,  and i felt very lost. I’ve decided it’s got to do with having a lot to do and having mounting, unconquered fear over doing it. I don’t understand this fear. I wish it would leave me. But how?

What i have realised is that its up to me whether i want something to happen or not. I can’t blame the world for its unfairness. There is no such thing! We make choices every day, and those little choices are the ones that pan out our fate. So often my actions and my day-to-day choices decide how i feel about something a long time before i have to consciously make the decision. Negative thoughts can engulf your body and  wholly consume everything else that is going on in your head. I’ve realised that feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition, is not only a waste of energy but the worst habit i could possibly have. Having said that, I know what i must do. The universe has nothing to do with the things that aren’t going the way i planned. It has to do with me.

Looking at the good things that have happened this year, there have been plenty. And i believe that the good and the bad both need each other in order to have a balanced, fulfilled life. Sure, sometimes it’ll unbalance. Like the helium balloons that knock into each other every now and then. But maybe that’s just the wake up call we need.

So im in the mood for some change. I recently cut my hair and died the ends. Im taking all my clothes in to get tailored tomorrow. I’m also hopefully moving out next weekend into my (hopefully) new apartment! I’m thinking this is exactly what i need. A little overwhelmed. A little monstrous. But my small life and my small world still eager to interact with the larger lives and the larger world out there.

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